News by Proxy

Zaccaria Bedivere, a famous musician well known for her work with the ophicleibone, has gone missing. She was last seen in late January by two hikers while exploring the Texiyas wilderness on a camping trip. Some believe she was eaten by a wild animal, but Texiyas is not known to have many dangerous species. Many people speculate that it was the cold that could have killed her, but even in winter, Texiyas is known to still hit highs of 48 degrees Hugal. Others believe the stress of fame was far too much and she has purposely gone missing. Other celebrities have done this, but none of them have been able to remain hidden for long, such as Azelia Wovesbrough. But until she is found, dead or alive, no one will know the answer for sure. Death seems more likely as most who have gone missing and not returned are in fact, dead, but her whereabouts are still undeterminable.

A giant bird was seen bordering a forest, after a series of break-ins to many prisons, it eventually stopped at a local prison and broke a masked figure out of the prison. Prison guards tried to shoot and capture the bird, but it escaped. There was much damage left on the prison, as the bird had forced its way through many cells in order to get to the prisoner. It also killed many guards, wiping out half of the prison staff in its wake. The dead number 15 and the number injured are 27. Of the dead there is the captain of security, Marlow Marbles, the Prison Warden, Beeblo Smeeble, and a staff member working from home that died of stress-induced cardiac arrest, as well as many of the guards and overseers. Only 3 staff members left the building uninjured, and this is because they were on lunch break at the time and did not hear of the incident until afterwards. Many prisoners also lost their lives after being trampled by the beast, but many prisoners also escaped during the fray, including mass murderer Harold Gerald. The prison is in the process of being rebuilt and the surviving prisoners have been moved to another location that will not be released to the public at this time for their safety.

On July xx-xxxx a large green creature, about the size of a warkle, was spotted on Michigan Beach in Barachidos. The creature had many eyes and smelled faintly of green beans. Anyone who looked directly at the creature fell to the ground screaming and would not stop until the creature left the area. Whether this creature is a threat or if this is just a case of mass hysteria is unknown and needs to be researched further. Until the creature is identified and detained, it is recommended that people avoid the beach and areas nearby in order to stay safe from the potential effects of its presence. Even though it is clearly a threat, the creature locally dubbed "The Green Bean Menace" has not attacked anyone physically, only causing the screaming fits. When it was discovered on the beach all it did was swim, build a sandcastle (poorly), and take a selfie (pictured left from an anonymous source).

Have you noticed strange patterns in the sky? Stars getting dimmer or brighter without warning perhaps? Well despite the strangeness of space, this is not normal. Stars have started to almost "flicker" and constellations have changed. One night the stars were gone all together. Is this the start of the apocalypse? Some scientists think so. Stars are very important to maintain gravitational forces keeping our planet in line, without the stars surrounding us, we would be flung off into space suddenly. Scientists have been looking into the sudden changes in our night sky, but have found no answers. Some speculate that it has to do with our expanding solar system, and the instability that may cause, but others refute this on the grounds that the stars cannot flicker, as that would mean burning up and then decaying at an increasingly fast rate in order to be visible to the naked eye. Another problem with that theory is that the delicate balance of our universe would have already been thrown off if the stars were to have moved as much as they have appeared to. The most reliable theory is that Proxy itself has changed. How and where we are now is unknown, as is how this happened. Be prepared to face ice cold winters and potential gravity shifts in the future!

Often we find ourselves scrolling, with no end in sight. I certainly have. But one question I have for you is: Why? Why do we read? Is it to gain knowledge, however useless to us? Is it purely to fight boredom? Or is there something deeper going on? I don’t know the answer to this question. Maybe I never will. Are you reading this? Can anyone hear me?

Despite what some may think, the world is not ending. We will be okay. Everything is fine and it will get better. Anxiety is a common emotion in today’s society, but things are improving. I promise. Everything is great. I’m fine. Why are you not fine?

Many know of the phenomenon known as “The Game”, which can happen at any time to anyone, and last for differing amounts of time depending on the person. There has been word that some people are immune to The Game, but this has not been confirmed. Recently, less and less people have been under the influence of The Game for reasons unknown. Suspiciously close in time to The Game’s decrease in effects, a war has broken out in the Airbud capital, scattering the Airbuds across the nation and destroying their core. Whether these events are related or not remains to be seen, but it is suspicious that they happened at the same time.

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A constant terror on the safety of Proxy’s citizens, the Klix organization had finally released BlueEngland from its control. To celebrate ten years since its freedom, BlueEngland has decided to host a party playing the game “JackBox” which is a community game where many people get together and do all sorts of things such as T-shirt making and murder. The party will be hosted at 3:00 AM at anywhere with internet connection. Sorry Varidel! (As if anyone lives there anyway).

Texiyas is well known for its variety of wildlife, but something never seen before has been spotted there. A Chicken Jockey. Chicken Jockeys are so rare that most people do not even know what they are, much less have seen them. A Chicken Jockey is a small, fat, white bird with a yellow beak and legs that has a small humanoid creature on it, which some researchers have dubbed as "Baby Goblins." Neither of these creatures have ever been seen apart and it is speculated that they are in fact attached to one another. I will include a diagram of the proposed internal anatomy of a Chicken Jockey. A team of scientists was deployed to the area, but when they got there, it was gone. The Chicken Jockey was discovered by a birdwatcher named Carlos Crinkledinkle, on his annual summer trip to Texiyas to see migratory birds, when interviewed he stated “It was the most incredible, grotesque thing I’ve ever seen. Birds should not look like that, and yet it does.” Scientists are still in awe of this wonderful, rare creature, and hope to discover another one whenever possible.

Girl Scouts, well known to be the next heirs to our world, and leaders of the future were given a test. They were told to work together to decide the fate of a convicted criminal, Barbra Brabar, who is guilty of three counts of 16th degree murder. These young leaders worked together and spent weeks reading court documents and selling cookies on the side to pay for expenses. They had a bit of conflict, as two parties formed. Those who said Barbra should get a light sentence of 50 years hard labor, and those who said she should be sent to the woods. In the end the hard labor faction won. Now Barbra Brabar is working with other convicted criminals to clean the flesh hills of parasites, and to make our environment a better place. The Girl Scout's next test will be announced next Wednesday, and everyone is buzzing to hear the news of the next challenge these brave young girls will face!

Many people ask what the purpose of life is. I don't know. Sometimes everyone feels worthless, and sometimes that feeling is correct. I'm scared.