News by Proxy

Unless you've been living in a cave, or perhaps under a nice pile of soil, you've surely heard the claims by now: Do the Girl Scouts really kill their own members? What happens to those girls who don't earn enough badges? Is this the real secret behind what makes their cookies so delicious? Well, maybe you should think twice before believing such wild accusations.
Today a public statement was issued by Bethany Thin Mint, current leader of the Girl Scouts, which aimed to address these recent rumours. In it, she clarifies that the main ingredient in their cookies is, in fact, "Fake" Girl Scout; that being, the abundance of feral arlbells that surround their camp. Arlbells are an apex predator species known for their mimicry and camouflage, which they use to discreetly capture prey. These have been a consistent problem for the Girl Scouts, one that this recent solution has proven to effectively combat.
"The girls get a badge for it if they find one," Ms. Mint explains, "Then we grind them up and use them in the batter. It's a real two-birds-one-stone solution. The new recipe's selling like hot cakes, and no more of our girls are getting eaten. I'd like to thank our junior scout Sage for thinking it up - and before you asked, they're completely edible. We checked."
Ms. Mint continues by expressing her belief that this may be more than a simple misconception; rather that the spread of this misconception was spurred on through the efforts of their long-standing rivals, the Boy Scouts.
"I know they're jealous." she continued. "They think they should be owed the world. They think they're owed a god damn thing. It's pure hubris; don't believe a word they say about our noble scouts. When we inherit all of this, they'll be the first against the wall." The Boy Scouts have not yet issued a counterstatement.

Citizens are being urged to discard all bottles of Drix, following concerns of severe bacterial contamination. The causes of this remains unknown, but many suspect this is to do with the product's new packaging material. Consumption of this contaminated Drix has been linked to a new wave of *Hocveresugit,* known colloquially as Badtime Disease.*
Symptoms of Badtime may include nausea, migraines, shortness of breath, visual and auditory hallucinations and bodily paralysis. Though thankfully non-contagious, the disease may result in death if not immediately treated. Otherwise, symptoms may last from just a few days to weeks
Any and all citizens who correctly return their bottles of Drix to their doctors, with evidence of purchase, is eligible for a refund. Be there or be square!

Following their continued expansion efforts, independent militia organisation The Klix have overthrown the mayor of Pen Island this week and vowed to bring the small community into a new industrial age. Already, plans are surfacing for a mass renovation of infrastructure and a restructuring of many businesses. This decision has already faced widespread backlash, both from locals and from neighbouring communities. The group has remained a constant terror on Proxy citizens ever since it's sudden appearance just a few decades prior, and has already forced large swaths of the land under its control - smothering local community hubs and businesses, forcing citizens under restrictive new laws, and expanding urban developments with cruel disregard for the surrounding wilderness. Will Pen Island become another Ranias? Another Cidim? The future may look dire, but local lobbyists and protestors refuse to be silenced.
"Whatever they're planning, it's gonna be a fat L for us Penners." One such protestor said, "We all gotta come together and put a stop to it."
When asked to comment on these concerns, one Klix representative has gone on record stating, "It's fiiiiiiiiiiiiine. It'll be fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine. Don't worry about it!" "It's literally fine." another continued.
The current whereabouts of Mayor Ben Dover are unknown.